Never have i ever been a size ten in my whole life

I always been a big girl,  always been heavier in the wrong parts of my body,  I never know how it feel to wear a size lower then 22-28,  I came out the womb chubby and It stunk with me my whole life sometimes it okay with I been like this,  but sometimes it just make me scared.

Growing,  being pick on because I was big was one of my problems I had to deal with,  it didn't matter  that I was always dress and had the newest brands that was out there,  no because, of my size I was a target. In 6th grade is when it got bad for me and wrist because I wasn't skinny names was getting throw at me (fat ass,  largie,  piggy, ) it was mostly the boys who use to bully me and telling was getting no where it felt like it got worst,  after a while i felt like God just played me but I never lost faith.  Doing that year getting pick at a lot for no reason just because I was FAT.  It was a mess with I didn't try to show it but when I felt the most depress and lonly,  the worst year of my life I was not ok and just being of that year I was really not the some how I showed to the people around me.
Around sixteen-seventeen I tried really bad diet,  like only drink milk in the morning and orange juice at  night,  to just drinking lemon-lime water and on weekends don't eat or drink nothing at all; but sent I was always hanging out with friends,  going out and school I let them be my excuse to not eating I was to bust(but really wasn't that busy) i was losing the weight and stop when I felt sick when I started to eat again I would gain that weight that I lost from not eating even with limited food and exercise.
Three years ago I got wrost,  my weight got no where and my  depression deepin:  I was always trying to lose weight then when I felt like it got no where, I did what I thought was right and I started to throw up everything I ate say I was going to use the bathroom and puke up any and everything that would come up until it couldn't come up no more even when the taste was bad I didn't care I still did it,  I seen the result I wanted too.  I was eating stop at a time but still before brush my teeth go and throw everything up until my stomach felted empty, it was about 5 months I start to get sick a lot and I was the person the barely got sick even when everybody around me was,  started to feel more weak physically and mentally even emotionally I was not me at all being dizzy and light headed,  after I did try to stop, but it was coming back even me eating healthy and stopping at the right time trying not to over do anything,  but about 3 months ago I couldn't get anything right now my head for me and I felted like this is for the best so I stop eating I put nothing to my month but water and that was some time too,  even though it was for a month  and I was feeling the same way with the throwing yo I was getting some where,  it I'd get hard when my mom caught on and she try her best to talk me out of it but I was not listening I just wanted to go and take the easy way,  even when she told me sister and she try to say some things to get me to listen to reason I was already in it and I didn't care how they felt or what they said I was going to do it,  I didn't Starr to go back to eating though and when I go to far and feel like I'm going back to that place where I was comfortable with I do call my mom and just let her pray for me or she just listen to me worry,  because I still now and then  get to the point where i need to throw it up or I need stop eating:  I still struggle and it hurts but Everyday is a struggle and more then what people can think it is hard and sometime the only to think is to stop eating or drinking or throw up but I work past it everyday and worth the help of my family and friend who know about it I can do better I just keep praying,  loving and laughing and get though what i can  to feel better about my self to get my self confidence back to how but use to be and being the bright smiley girl I love being.

And if anyone going thought this and you got someone who would listen and not hide u but just be there with you to not tell u it stupid but to help u though it,  don't push them away cuz they hurting just llike you knowing they can't get close enough to understand it...  I have an great support system and I just try my best to keep my self healthy for them.

OK.... my health... mental

I been trying to find the best way to talk about what I'm been going though, I was trying to figure out how to control it and how I will handle it ,it is hard to talk about to people it is very hard to even come out and tell someone that the way u feel it think is not normal; I try my best to keep it from people and my family putting on an smile and laughing when sometime u just want to cry and scream and I know I'm not a person that get angry really fast or get angry at all but sometimes it come out and I can't hold it back and when I do I get angry at that.

Growing up if u bring up being bipolar it was an excuse of just wanted to be yelling or if u bring up depression it was an excuse for being lazy or not wanted to do nothing, it was never nothing to it, to say it real because it was a excuse.

I didn't know what I was going though I thought I was going thru menopause or something I didn't know; my mom was the one who told me, asking me what hung on and me explaining to her how I feel about everything she told me I should go and see someone about it, I do feel embarrassed but she comfort me and even cry with me, I knew I was feeling some way and didn't know why but I know I didn't want it to be and excuse: going to get check and talk to me doctor I did found out I had bipolar depression after looking it up and seeing some of what people was going though it was scary I was scared I didn't want to go though that ,really feeling like why ate u here and what the point of living is the most terrifying thing in the world, there really no one that can help and I really can't explain it to others because sometimes it just an because feeling I really can't control it even when I want to I can't it pain my heart that I really have no control over my thoughts sometimes and actions, it like even if I want to smile or laugh or be me who I use to be I cry more.

MY GETTING BETTER
I am getting better with my emotions and how to control them, everyday don't try to gather all of my thoughts to much and think to much of how I should be, it can hard and a little struggle but i with the help of my mom and talking to someone I go about my day and try to live as clean mind as I can. I try to not thinking of it as and excuse anymore.