MY thanksgiving

My thanksgiving went great, everything went as plan,  cooked rice, chicken, baked Mac and cheese, baked beans, yams with marshmallows, roast with cut up carrots,  potato and greens, with chicken dip and banana pudding for dessert (still didnt get no new camera and wasn't thinking to do it with my phone lol that happen yo everyone... Right) but I had a lovely time with friends and family it was all smiles and laughter.
I wasn't able to see a lot of my family and friends so I just sent them gift cards from paperless post, it is good u make a account and send greeting cards and invites to whoever u want to,  it's great
Paperlesspost. com

I'm thankful for being here and breathing everyday i wake up, thankful for my family and friends that i talk too.
Hope everyone also had a happy thanksgiving.
https://www.paperlesspost.com

big girl magic (BGM)

I went though hell and back to get to love myself like I use to, having the confidence to be happy within me, become more powerful with me even though im still struggling with my eating disorder. I try my best to just go and be free as much as I can.

Being a BIG GIRL was a always for me. I never thought howhow it would be, to be skinny or to have no stomach when I was little, because I always had one. You see my other post I talked about going though the hard part of my eating disorder, I was going about it the wrong way, even if it took me sometime getting back comfortable with who I was and love myself more again I was still better then before. I'm happy-I am and I listen to myself more now and understand more now, even though I still have thoughts and feels;  I still can go that far, I still don't let myself drift away from my determination and good thoughts, clam myself, think everything over, breath in and out, and just relax. now I am and proud of how I made a decision I better my well being and mind. I still go though thoughts yeah I said that a lot only because it true, its was there and taking over everything sometimes it only effect me when im thinking about it to much: I try my best to never go as far as  just thinking about it but I know what I want, to better myself and I know I can do that. I'm happy im getting back to me DONVONTA.





big girl magic is my brand, my life, what make me-me, it show lights on what people find to be their weakest and make it their strength, (BGM)is for the empowering and inspiring woman, the big girl stand for everything; for all shape, size, race, color, and age, I want this name(BGM) to be a voice to all and to be a place where being you don't have no say, no judgement, only hope, freedom to be you, and strength of a natural woman.

Never have i ever been a size ten in my whole life

I always been a big girl,  always been heavier in the wrong parts of my body,  I never know how it feel to wear a size lower then 22-28,  I came out the womb chubby and It stunk with me my whole life sometimes it okay with I been like this,  but sometimes it just make me scared.

Growing,  being pick on because I was big was one of my problems I had to deal with,  it didn't matter  that I was always dress and had the newest brands that was out there,  no because, of my size I was a target. In 6th grade is when it got bad for me and wrist because I wasn't skinny names was getting throw at me (fat ass,  largie,  piggy, ) it was mostly the boys who use to bully me and telling was getting no where it felt like it got worst,  after a while i felt like God just played me but I never lost faith.  Doing that year getting pick at a lot for no reason just because I was FAT.  It was a mess with I didn't try to show it but when I felt the most depress and lonly,  the worst year of my life I was not ok and just being of that year I was really not the some how I showed to the people around me.
Around sixteen-seventeen I tried really bad diet,  like only drink milk in the morning and orange juice at  night,  to just drinking lemon-lime water and on weekends don't eat or drink nothing at all; but sent I was always hanging out with friends,  going out and school I let them be my excuse to not eating I was to bust(but really wasn't that busy) i was losing the weight and stop when I felt sick when I started to eat again I would gain that weight that I lost from not eating even with limited food and exercise.
Three years ago I got wrost,  my weight got no where and my  depression deepin:  I was always trying to lose weight then when I felt like it got no where, I did what I thought was right and I started to throw up everything I ate say I was going to use the bathroom and puke up any and everything that would come up until it couldn't come up no more even when the taste was bad I didn't care I still did it,  I seen the result I wanted too.  I was eating stop at a time but still before brush my teeth go and throw everything up until my stomach felted empty, it was about 5 months I start to get sick a lot and I was the person the barely got sick even when everybody around me was,  started to feel more weak physically and mentally even emotionally I was not me at all being dizzy and light headed,  after I did try to stop, but it was coming back even me eating healthy and stopping at the right time trying not to over do anything,  but about 3 months ago I couldn't get anything right now my head for me and I felted like this is for the best so I stop eating I put nothing to my month but water and that was some time too,  even though it was for a month  and I was feeling the same way with the throwing yo I was getting some where,  it I'd get hard when my mom caught on and she try her best to talk me out of it but I was not listening I just wanted to go and take the easy way,  even when she told me sister and she try to say some things to get me to listen to reason I was already in it and I didn't care how they felt or what they said I was going to do it,  I didn't Starr to go back to eating though and when I go to far and feel like I'm going back to that place where I was comfortable with I do call my mom and just let her pray for me or she just listen to me worry,  because I still now and then  get to the point where i need to throw it up or I need stop eating:  I still struggle and it hurts but Everyday is a struggle and more then what people can think it is hard and sometime the only to think is to stop eating or drinking or throw up but I work past it everyday and worth the help of my family and friend who know about it I can do better I just keep praying,  loving and laughing and get though what i can  to feel better about my self to get my self confidence back to how but use to be and being the bright smiley girl I love being.

And if anyone going thought this and you got someone who would listen and not hide u but just be there with you to not tell u it stupid but to help u though it,  don't push them away cuz they hurting just llike you knowing they can't get close enough to understand it...  I have an great support system and I just try my best to keep my self healthy for them.

OK.... my health... mental

I been trying to find the best way to talk about what I'm been going though, I was trying to figure out how to control it and how I will handle it ,it is hard to talk about to people it is very hard to even come out and tell someone that the way u feel it think is not normal; I try my best to keep it from people and my family putting on an smile and laughing when sometime u just want to cry and scream and I know I'm not a person that get angry really fast or get angry at all but sometimes it come out and I can't hold it back and when I do I get angry at that.

Growing up if u bring up being bipolar it was an excuse of just wanted to be yelling or if u bring up depression it was an excuse for being lazy or not wanted to do nothing, it was never nothing to it, to say it real because it was a excuse.

I didn't know what I was going though I thought I was going thru menopause or something I didn't know; my mom was the one who told me, asking me what hung on and me explaining to her how I feel about everything she told me I should go and see someone about it, I do feel embarrassed but she comfort me and even cry with me, I knew I was feeling some way and didn't know why but I know I didn't want it to be and excuse: going to get check and talk to me doctor I did found out I had bipolar depression after looking it up and seeing some of what people was going though it was scary I was scared I didn't want to go though that ,really feeling like why ate u here and what the point of living is the most terrifying thing in the world, there really no one that can help and I really can't explain it to others because sometimes it just an because feeling I really can't control it even when I want to I can't it pain my heart that I really have no control over my thoughts sometimes and actions, it like even if I want to smile or laugh or be me who I use to be I cry more.

MY GETTING BETTER
I am getting better with my emotions and how to control them, everyday don't try to gather all of my thoughts to much and think to much of how I should be, it can hard and a little struggle but i with the help of my mom and talking to someone I go about my day and try to live as clean mind as I can. I try to not thinking of it as and excuse anymore.

ok... my health

lately I have been feeling a lot more bright, not that I been feeling sad or anything it just that I've have been exercising and eating healthy for the past five weeks I been on a very clean and fitted diet. I always say im going to start one but when every I do I stop or get tired of it and give up, but this time i made a plan that i would do it and not stop i set a date to when im going to start to when i finish, i start on the first of march and wanted to end at the end of march, that was my goal, i was determined to get some weight off me, i did wanted to do this for my birthday because I wanted to fit in an outfit that I had, im happy I didn't stop or give up even get tires of doing exercise I was happy I made it though out the whole month not caving in to sugars, oils or meats; I was proud that I lost some weight too, I did this to lose weight but also to stay healthy and balance, I loves it so much and feel good about myself I talked about it all the time to my mom, sisters and brothers they may not wanted to hear but I still talked about it. I fall for it and now I can't stop I still have some weight to loose and outfits to wear I know I can do it, now that I did this far I want to go farther and see what else the health world got for....

new beginning 3 years

Hello , it me  I can't believe it been 3 years sent I had my blog I been thinking and trying to have different ideas for my blog to figure out ways to make it better and more unique. I been trying really hard to find out how to get more views. I put it on hold for awhile because I also had a lot of things going on , but now everything is okay and done and o will do my best to always be here to show my skills on designing , what I love and my style, please finish supporting me and my success.

Nice day

Today, my mom and I had appointment, so we went together. We walked to all of them to wasn't as much work that I thought it was going to be.
Fun, live, me